I have long content myself with traveling alone – of witnessing numerous sunrise and sunsets and reflecting over how I allowed life to overpower course. I have long accepted that there are some paths that I have to courageously trot by myself, that there are challenges that I have to face head on. I have made myself a living example of a strong and independent person… but this does not mean that I have to reject the affection that you have shown. As in the famous line pondered by Christopher McCandless: Happiness is only real, when shared.
I’ll admit, there were times I wished you were there on those crying moments – of seeing for the first time the vastness of the sea of clouds, wishing we could relish those childhood dreams of walking on them. There were days when I wished you were beside me as we watch in awe the beautiful explosion of sunset – of yellows to oranges and reds. I wished you were there to share a cup of coffee at four in the morning, hugged by the mist of fog, talking about the what-ifs and could-have-beens of life.
Most of the times, I just find myself serenaded by the waves, dreaming you were the one sending them for a loving embrace. Those nights I shiver in cold, I imagined your arms wrapped around me to ease away those longing emotions. Those times I wanted to feel your hand in mine, intertwined, perfectly fitted to assure that you’re always by my side. Those times I wanted to hear your contagious laugh, to sooth the anxiety of this distressed heart.
You cannot be here. You cannot be here to hear my daily complaints, my daily rants, my daily dose of tantrums. You cannot be here to celebrate the special days of my life – achievements, no matter how small they can be. You cannot be here as I discover more about myself, of how I tried to survive in this ever daunting world.
And we have to accept this part of our story. We have to get by, no matter how tough. Because when the right time comes, I know I would no longer need to travel… alone. This distance between spaces, phone calls, oceans, continents, and time zones, between us is ephemeral. What we have is eternal. I would no longer fear the loneliness of being alone on my journey because I know you’re always with me, within me.
I will continue traveling alone in hope that one of these days fate will play on our side and the universe will conspire to meet both ends of the world. One of these days, I’ll get to share stories of travels and adventures with you.
Dakilanglaagan 